Falling in Love with a Covert Narcissist

Narcissism is a word that is very lightly used in our generation. It’s a word that has seen more popularity with the rise of Instagram but what does it really mean?

When we think of narcissism, we think of someone who is overly confident, pompous and vain. Somebody who is visibly arrogant and announces their achievements through a loudspeaker but what about the covert narcissist? The wolf that hides in sheeps’ clothing? We’re going to explore that topic today.

Something we may not know about narcissism is that this is a personality trait; not a mental disorder. The coverts are as pompous, selfish and arrogant as the overts; they are just the sophisticated version because they engage in tactics so subtle, they leave you confused, unsure and even insecure when you never used to be. Maybe you ARE overthinking it? Maybe you ARE overly sensitive as they say?

Covert narcissists are made and have been conditioned since childhood by a parent who could have been narcissistic. This parent could have exhibited such a sense of entitlement that the child grew up believing that he/she should receive special treatment all the time. I personally believe that the culprit is usually the overprotective mother who smothers their child in their love. When you put a child on such a pedestal, under such a spotlight, they grow up believing they are unique and special; destined for greatness.

Read: How A Parents’ Narcissistic Personality Disorder Affects Their Child

When this doesn’t happen – and it usually doesn’t, because despite the tiny quirks that make us who we are, we are actually pretty much the same at the end of the day – the child who is now an adult and hasn’t achieved anything he/she considers to be BRILLIANT and EXCEPTIONAL now feels empty. At first we might mistake this for depression but it isn’t.

DATING A COVERT NARCISSIST…

…is emotionally exhausting especially if you are empathetic which may be the reason why you attract narcissists. You are constantly doubting yourself. Maybe you ARE the problem because apparently it’s ALWAYS your fault, never theirs. Unlike overt narcissists, coverts are able to apologise but their apologies often start with, “I’m sorry IF…”.
“I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings but YOU made me so angry.”
That good, old classic.
However, before reaching this stage, there is often a long bout of passive aggressive silence that drives you crazy because you care. They pull away because they know it hurts you.
The drama eventually subsides and you both agree to change in order to improve your relationship. And they do change. For a while. Before they revert back to their old ways except with each fight, they get nastier and display more overtly narcissistic behaviour like treating you with contempt and calling you names.
“You’re so annoying. Can you just stop following me around like a little dog?”

So why do they go through the motions if they have no intention of changing?
1. Maybe they really wanted to in that moment but narcissists rarely can change. It is psychologically ingrained into their minds to be selfish and egoistic. They are usually successful in their careers and their finances. You might hear a successful narcissist say,
“If I have to choose between you and a job somewhere in another country, I’d go for the job. Just letting you know.”
2. These charming individuals do it to give you false hope because they want to keep you interested. The truth is: THEY NEED YOU. They need someone to control and manipulate in order to boost their own ego and you keep falling for it!

What else do you fall for? Those little digs they subtly weave into their conversation even though they know you’re insecure about that very thing their praising someone else for.
“Let me show you this girl on Instagram with this BANGING body!”
For example, they might give you their ex’s shirt and will call you crazy for reacting negatively but might say, “I just wanted to see your reaction.”
And that’s exactly what they’re doing. They’re looking to see if you care because that’s a huge ego booster. The more you care, the more powerful they feel.
They compare a lot, too.
“Why can’t you just be chill like her?”
“Well, she just arrived in the city and she has everything organised.”
They’re so good at this that they don’t even have to raise their voice and that is what makes them significantly more threatening than your garden variety overt narcissist.

But wait! They’re not all that bad! You’ve often heard them praise you in front of others! Well, surprise, surprise, it’s more about how they look. They care how others view them so in public, your relationship is deceivingly picture perfect.
What you need to understand is that their possessions are an extension of themselves and they need to look good…INCLUDING YOU!
If you tend to have a rather self-deprecating sense of humour, they’ll call you out on that because it’s weak and God forbid that word is ever associated with them.
Since they actually care about what others think – remember, narcissists are narcissists because they actually have very low self-esteem, making them possessive and jealous – they tend to come across humble and caring to those who don’t know them well.
You end up thinking, “If only they could see that other side of you only I have seen…” that’s when you know you’ve gotten yourself in deep shit.
Moreover, unlike overts, coverts tend to have longer relationships and maybe they DO love the person they’re with but they are so lacking in empathy that it is literally impossible for them to put themselves in your shoes. They cannot feel what you feel and sadly, that will never change.

Just run for the exit.

Interesting read: 23 Signs You’re Secretly A Narcissist Masquerading As A Sensitive Introvert

 

Expired

You can tell once upon a time, she was pretty.

But every year, the party animals get younger and she watches them come and go.

Maybe it also pained her to see her friends gradually moving out of the clubs and bars into families of their own but somehow she stayed stuck there…

So she continues to do what she does best.

She surrounds herself with girls as camouflage, desperately trying to blend in and forget her insecurities.

She preys on fresh meat and they are enchanted by their own prowess for a fleeting moment before the magic wears off and their ambition kicks in.

They leave her in search of their ‘calling’ and eventually end up with a sweet, young thing like a Demi-Ashton-Mila situation.

Yet she’s still there…hanging on to what’s left of her youth by threads. Her looks have faded due to years of late nights, drugs, drinks and dirty dancing.

But she is still there.

Now a permanent fixture of the city’s nightlife.

 


 

I haven’t been very active on my blog recently but I was feeling particularly inspired today and it all came from one comment on a friend’s Facebook post.

 

To Dress Up Or To Dress Down, That Is The Question.

Interesting recent discovery: apparently, when the French say you look or dress really “American”, what they really mean is that you look vulgar. It’s the nicest thing they can say without saying, “Hey, you look vulgar.” Hello to the French way of being polite! Although, they could just leave the Americans out of it…
Twice, I’ve received this remark and both times I was wearing a dress/skirt that stopped 8cm above the knee with heels to match. Just as I would have back in Taipei, except ten times more conservative so as to try and fit in. Evidently, that didn’t work at all.
I know this is a controversial topic so correct me if I’m wrong but I have done some research and asked a few locals and well… I’m just trying to understand.

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Personally, a large part of going out is dressing up. Pre-game for girls is getting ready and doing each other’s make-up with a bottle of wine (or whatever alcoholic concoction of your choice). The other part is going out to town and taking in all the colourful, sometimes outrageous outfits of fellow party-goers. Then the rest of the night can commence in a flurry of social activity and more alcohol (wink*).

Paris…is a different ballgame. If you think that la ville de la mode will provide interesting eye candy to feast on when it’s time to venture out into the night and mingle, then you’re WRONG. If you want to see ridiculous outfits strutting down the cobbled streets of Paris, just wait for Fashion Week.
However, if you’re just going out, be prepared to look your most casual in jeans, a top and a pair of nice boots. Basically, what we’re going for here is “I tried but I didn’t try”. A casual chic vibe and sex hair with minimal (I REPEAT: MINIMAL) makeup always does the trick. The most you should ever put on your face is red lipstick. Can’t look more Parisian than that!

To be frank, I’ve toned it down immensely since arriving in Paris as I had previously lived in France for my exchange year so was already familiar with certain customs but it gets boring and every single time I’ve even attempted to dress slightly outside the norms, I’ve been met with judgmental stares and pursed lips which only leaves me feeling deeply constricted in terms of fashion choices.

All jokes aside, locals pointed out that dressing conservatively is also mainly for safety concerns which I can understand. You meet all sorts of hooligans who whistle and cat-call at women on the streets, even men who follow you from the metro station right to your doorstep!

Alors! In conclusion, when in Rome (Paris), do as the Romans (Parisians) do! You might learn some new things and while Paris does not always permit change, Parisians definitely do dress well! The men can pull off trousers of any colour, the women always emanate a natural beauty and everyone is always very put together. What are your thoughts?

The Parisian Dream: Realistic?

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Where does your mind wander off to when you hear the words ‘Paris’ or ‘France’? Does it conjure up images of endless pavements filled with sprawling terraces, the melodic chitchat of French and romantic fumes of cigarette smoke on a lazy summer’s day? Does your mind drift off into the streets of Montmartre while Edith Piaf’s ‘La Vie en Rose’ plays in the background? Or do you smell freshly baked baguettes instead?

If so, you’re not too far off but you’re not seeing the full picture either. More often than not, tourists and first-timers are shown the shiny side of town. Eiffel Tower, Galeries Lafayettes, Arc de Triomphe, Le Louvre, La Seine, Champs Elysées et tous les incontournables! And do you know what? That’s okay because it is part of what makes up the true essence of Paris.

What’s not okay is thinking that that’s all there is to this city. What about Chinatown aka the 13th arrondissement? The slums around Paris? The colourful graffiti and the kebab restaurants that can be spotted here and there but especially around Gare du Nord? All the places that tour groups avoid because they’re not always pretty?

Perhaps it’s just where I used to live, but people often seem to have a rather distorted image of what a Parisian lifestyle truly entails. You have French bureaucracy (which is your worst nightmare and that’s putting it lightly), you have some interesting people to put up with, not speaking French will render even the simplest tasks impossible or highly complicated and the transportation is a mess.

BUT

You have delicious bread. A friend of mine once said, “If it’s not made in France, it’s not a baguette.” I thought it was just arrogance….until now, and while I’m on the topic of food, what about the countless gastronomic restaurants that make this city a chef’s dream? The museums and exhibitions are top notch and there is ALWAYS one happening somewhere. Summertime is when you sit along the Seine and share a bottle of crisp rosé with friends, laughing about life. The architecture is gorgeous, for the most part, and the shopping is great!

I guess what I’m trying to say, and this goes for everything in life, is that one should always try to be as realistic as possible. This way, fewer people would be susceptible to the “Paris Syndrome” (It’s a real thing!). Falling in love with anything or anyone requires you to accept the flaws just as much as you accepted the beautiful and the positive!

Christian Dior Exhibition, Paris

I’d known about this exhibition since I came to Paris for vacation back in July but just never had the chance to do it until four months later! Crazy to think that so much has occurred in this short space of time…I moved to a new country, found myself a new job, a new apartment and cut ties with people who were just bringing in negative energy…So finally, I had some time to take a turn in the Museum of Decorative Arts!

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It was a Wednesday afternoon, roughly an hour before closing so there was no line. The staff recommend a minimum of two hours to fully enjoy the exhibition but I’d say an hour is sufficient; 1.5-2 hours if you really want to linger on the details with a friend. I paid only 8 euros for my ticket as I am under 26. Full price is 11 euros but you save 90 cents if you purchase online. If you are lazy, like I am, I wouldn’t bother. However, they sometimes do let people with tickets in first.

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All I can say is that it is pure magic. From the first step you take into this exhibition, you are swept away into this world of dreams. You are under the spell of Dior and it reminded me why I wanted to work in the luxury industry in the first place. The core of it all was never the status or the money; it was always about the passion that they put into their art and the freedom of self-expression. The byproduct of an educated society climbing to the top of Maslow’s pyramid towards self-actualization.

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The flow of the exhibition itself was smooth and logical. We started at the beginning, as we always do, with the man himself. Christian Dior’s life story, the difficulties he had suffered, how he got into fashion illustration, how the maison came to be, the success he experienced, his sudden death and his successors who followed. As I have always been fascinated with the occult and the supernatural, one thing really stood out to me and that was a prediction a palm reader had made for Christian Dior.

“You will be penniless, but women will be good to you, and it is thanks to them that you will succeed.”

Women still are good to Christian Dior today, purchasing iconic Lady Dior handbags and Miss Dior perfumes.

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Personally, Dior will always be a part of that ’50s glamour when women were sexy without trying too hard or showing too much. What also makes Dior so distinguishable, for me, is that waistline. Whether it be a dress, a suit or even a coat, Dior always found a way to show off and accentuate the curves of the feminine figure.

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For anyone who wants to go to the exhibition, do not consider the photos to be spoilers. It is worth the visit!

 

法國打工度假之困難:找工作 Part I

剛抵達法國的親朋好友,請別太興奮因為接下來的幾個禮拜會很困難。其實在巴黎找工作會比在巴黎租房子還要來的簡單! 很詭異吧? 但下次分享文章再來解釋為何如此。

本人先分享自己找工作的經驗,順便抱怨一下因為過去這幾個禮拜實在有夠頭昏腦脹的。由於本身之前在法國珠寶品牌實習、未來也想念奢侈品管理(International Luxury Management)所以決定還是留在這行,對以後申請碩士也較有益。最容易的方式就是找精品銷售員之類的工作。於是在我度假最後一個禮拜的其中一天,我拿了一疊法文履歷去老佛爺發了一整個下午。

辦完簽證回巴黎之後再聯絡了幾家去老佛爺發履歷當天認識的公司、透過面試之後,在抵達法國的第四天就找到了工作! 看到這應該會覺得怎麼有那麼好的事情? 上帝也是這樣認為,於是在收到通知整整一個禮拜之後才發現原來我品牌雇用的外聘公司(Modelor)不願意雇用我。

他們的原因? 因為我沒有carte vitale (健保卡)

但我在此非常明確的說明一次: 持有打工度假的朋友不...carte vitale

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www.pvtistes.net 

由於持有打工度假的人通常從沒在法國工作過所以不可能有sécurité sociale的號碼。這是公司必須為員工向政府報公(DPAE – déclaration préalable de l’embauche),進行immatriculation之後才會有屬於自己的一組sécurité sociale號碼。不然第二個方式就是公司報工完畢,給你一份工作約(contrat de travail), 你拿著這份工作約去申請carte vitale

另外,報公是每個公司必須為員工進行的程序。這家外聘公司不知道從哪編出一些歪理說因為他不是我的直接雇主所以無法幫我報公? 明明其他家外聘公司都跟我確認再確認是可行的?

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結論: 簡單來說,就是modelor不願意花那個時間來準備這些麻煩的文件。害原本很開心、已經在找公寓的我要重新再找一份工作因為無倫如何講、如何解釋,他們就是裝傻、態度又差! 或許他們完全不了解打工度假簽證但也不願意查資料、了解狀況。當人家是過來玩的,也不知道其實我們是費了許多心思也做了非常多的準備!

法國打工度假簽證 French Working Holiday Visa

France currently has working holiday agreements with the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Canada, Chile, Columbia, Hong Kong, Japan, New Zealand, South Korea, Russia (4 months) and Taiwan

If your country has been listed above and you are:

  • Between the age of 18-30
  • Are motivated by the opportunity to travel and discover France while possibly taking up paid employment
  • Have never participated in this programme previously

Then congratulations! You could qualify for the French working holiday visa. However, this particular post will be dedicated to my fellow Taiwanese countrymen/women so I shall proceed in Mandarin.


寫這篇文章的主要動機為協助想赴法打工度假的朋友們。由於本人簽證已審核通過,我認為自己應該是有資格給各位一些tips and tricks並且分享自己的經驗! 這樣或許可以讓大家放心也可以讓整個程序輕鬆點。

 

上個月去法國度假五個禮拜時,開始很認真地思考未來方向。我未來想要的生活品質是什麼? 如何達到? 14歲來台學中文,原本只待一年結果待了將近十年。大學畢業後決定要出去看看。原本考慮過香港、倫敦或者回南非但是19歲去法國交換之後,這國家給我留下了好印象而且法文也學了一半。最後下定決心一定要把這語言學好,我的目標是法文要跟中文一樣好。

 

在法國度假的第三個禮拜有朋友跟我說, “你可以試試看申請打工度假簽證來法國。

我抬起頭看了他。我應該是一副很困惑的樣子因為他又說, “我朋友就是申請這個,他現在在巴黎工作。

於是我與這位女生聯絡,了解狀況後就飛回台灣開始很積極地進行申請簽證的程序。過程中有許多問題,如果不是問她就是參考網路上的一些部落格。現在回台灣不到一個月就拿到了簽證,下個禮拜準備赴法開始人生中下個章節!

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法國在臺協會的網站寫得一清二楚還附上了所需文件表格所以我在這裡只會針對一些較麻煩的幾個文件做說明因為其他文件像是長期簽證申請表或動機和計畫書都蠻容易理解的。但是要請大家好好地把在台協會所提供的資料看兩遍! 因為去繳件當天,我因為忘了帶護照影本就被櫃台小姐叮嚀。

  1. 財力證明: 帳號需要有至少2100歐元。這個可以去郵局申請但是要記得他只能幫你印出前天的餘額所以若是有需要移動大筆資金至少要等一兩天後再去申請。每份20元,第二份起每增加一份就是10元。
  2. 健康檢查證明: 原本我是去臺北市立聯合醫院仁愛院區但服務人員態度滿差。說要做健檢請醫生開證明,他硬是要我做非常徹底又完整的檢查 (包含抽血等等) 才會有醫生願意幫我開證明。如果真的要這樣也沒關係但又要等一個禮拜於是我決定換到國泰醫院。國泰醫院服務態度不但親切,當天就拿到健康證明。醫生很樂意的使用了我找到的版本幫我寫了一份,在這裡給大家當參考!medical certificate.png
  3. 無犯罪紀錄證明: 又稱良民證,每份100元。記得要帶身分證及護照正本去申請。若是住台北的大概只有這裡可以申請良民證: 台北市政府警察局外事科 台北市中正區延平南路96 (02)23817494 但是暑假人特別多!
  4. 保險證明: 我覺得讓大駕非常混淆的關鍵字就是在台協會網站上生育這兩個字。其實大部分台灣保險公司都不會特別包含生育這部分,大概只有在台協會所提供的保險公司名單上的那幾家才會有但是都比較貴。最後我還是先申請了富邦銀行的十全大補 計畫A (2,360台幣) 在加 海外防護加值 (1,074台幣) 而我的簽證一樣通過了所以建議大家可以不要太過於擔心生育是否有包含在內。insurance (2)insurance1 (2)
  5. 來回交通票: 這個可以去旅行社請他們幫你印行程表就好也不用付任何的錢。我的去程是已經先訂好了並且繳了費用再去旅行社請他們印回程行程表給我。

以上就是比較麻煩的幾個文件的說明! 希望有協助到各位! 若是有任何的疑問可以傳訊息給我或者留言! 祝大家申請簽證順利

 

For more information, watch my YOUTUBE video!